I Could Not Ask For More

Today while Sophie was at preschool, I spent some special time with Will just playing in his room and hanging out with him one-on-one. I'm glad to have this time with him because when his spitfire big sister is around, he is so captivated with her that it is hard to get his attention! While we were playing, I turned on the "Will cd." Matt and I made cds (our version of the middle school "mix tape") for both of the kids with songs that are special to us, that make us think of that particular child or that express our feelings for them better than we can. One of the songs that is on both of the kids' cds is Edwin McCain's I Could Not Ask For More. This song came on while we were playing, and I was literally struck by how this is the theme song for my life right now. I have always been a person who lives for the future - wishing and worrying. As a little girl, I dreamed of being a wife and a mother. In college, I rushed through my courses to get on to "the next stage of life." Even before I met Matt, I deliberated about baby names. I've always lived for the future.

I do remember, however, on my wedding day, stopping and drinking in all the sights and sounds - being truly present in that moment. It was the happiest day of my life until I had my children, and even now it remains the most perfect day I can remember. Once I married Matt, I did a bit better about "living in the present," and when I had Sophie, I did even better - not wanting to miss a moment with her or "wish away" her childhood. But the past couple of years have been a struggle.

Moving to Georgia, we entered what would become a difficult season of life. Having been here only about six months, it became clear we were in a nightmare church situation. As I look back, I realize that the Lord brought us out of that very quickly, (Matt was at Crossroads in less than 90 days after deciding to leave the other church), but at the time, it felt as though it would never end. We then began the process of trying to sell our home. Little did we know that this holding pattern would last nearly two years. Not long after, we decided to start trying to have another baby. After several months of trying, we were thrilled to find out we were pregnant, only to have that pregnancy end in miscarriage less than a week later. Not long after the miscarriage, I actually hit a man on a motorcycle with my Suburban. (He was totally fine, and it was ruled no fault), but I felt like my world was spiraling out of control. The "Dark Spring of 2007" continued with major upheaval in my extended family, a lot of old wounds being reopened.

Sometime during this time, I slipped back into my bad habit of living for the future. "If we'd just find a new church... If the house would just sell... If we just had another baby... If Sophie just had friends where we live." The Lord really showed Matt and I that he was calling us to trust Him before all these things happened. That we could be content. That we could have a strong marriage. That we could be great parents. That we could survive and even flourish. We handled things better sometimes and worse sometimes, but overall I know that real growth occurred in both of us. Trusting is at least a bit easier for me than it was two years ago.

The Lord has been incredibly faithful to us. So far beyond anything we deserve. At any rate, today when I heard this song, I was moved by the realization that all things I've wished for, worried over and waited for have come to pass. We're in an amazing church. We have the most perfect little boy. We're in a dream house. My family is flourishing. I literally could not ask for more in my life.

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I am blessed beyond measure. I love spending time with Matt, Sophie and Will. Watching my children with my parents and my sisters is literally like watching love grow. I've been blessed to be able to catch a glimpse of how love grows exponentially through generations as my grandparents adore their great-grandchildren. The time I share with my family is precious. I so desired to be a wife, and not just to be married but to be married to a godly man. Prayer answered. I so desired to be a mom - I dreamed of it as a child, teenager and young adult, and then I experienced longing for a baby while waiting for Will. Dream come true - twice! I don't want to miss one single moment of this amazing life wishing for or worrying about the future. I am truly thankful. I am trying to burn these moments into my memory.

I could not ask for more.