A Long Look

All was quiet in our house. Snuggled up with my boy, tucked in between the wall and a bed rail in an old double bed that belonged to his great, great-grandmother, I watched my precious, fierce little man-child moving from drowsy to dreamland, when all of a sudden, the silence was broken.

"Stop staring at me!"

I don't think he even opened his eyes, but he knew his mama was watching him, and how is a boy to sleep with his mama watching? I already embarrass him with how crazy I am about him.

I told him I'd try, and I did... for a minute or two. But really, I couldn't help myself. I let him get a little more to sleep and took another long look.

I know that not everyone who sees Will really sees him. I know some people totally miss the wonder of who he is. If you are busy or distracted or disinterested, what's wonder-full about him can be overlooked. With just a glance, you might just see a big kid who loves trains and a good piece of beef. But if you slow down, get to know him, watch him a bit, if you stare at him

for a while, you'll find quite a wonder boy.

Will turned three yesterday, and as we celebrated his special day, I thought back on the past

year of his life. Three weeks before Will turned two, he became a big brother. He adored Lillie from the beginning, but he looked at me, formerly the center of his universe, with the look of a boy whose girlfriend is cheating on him. The night before Will's second birthday, we found out my dad had cancer, and the day of his party we

found out exactly how serious the cancer was. He didn't understand all that was going on, but my sensitive boy knew something was wrong with his buddy Tato. Just three months after Will turned two, we moved to Franklin. My boy who loves routine and order was flung in to a six month period without much of either. Will's had a year full of major changes, not the least of which was his transition from baby to big boy.

This time last year, I was rocking my baby to sleep, reading books, then singing countless verses of He's Got the Whole World, He Loves Me Too, and Down by the Station before laying him down in his crib. These days, after books and prayers, we often have a complete conversation that starts with "lay down with me," before my big boy finally declares, "I'm tired out." This time last year, when big brother Will wasn't playing trains, he was counting Lillie's toes or narrating every gurgle and coo she made. These days, Will loves little sister Lillie ("she's precious, mama"), but he's actually big sister Sophie's frequent playmate, and if the truth were told, he worships the ground that girl walks on. This time last year, Will was a baby; technically a toddler; but for the most part, I had two babies, one that weighed 7 pounds and one that weighed 37 pounds! These days, Will is a big boy, a man-child. My strong and true son.

Will, you are the greatest unexpected joy of my life. I can honestly say I had no idea how much I would love having a son. Maybe that's part of why I can't stop staring at you. Though I often feel like I don't know what I'm doing, I'm having more fun figuring it out than I ever dreamed possible. Here are just a few things I've noticed while "staring" at you this year.

- You are a bull in a china shop. From the way you snort and snarl when getting ready to attack,

to the way you full on head butt whoever has it coming. From the way both of your sisters are as delicate as china dolls to the way the girls tend to collect toys that you can demolish in an instant. You definitely have an interesting road to hoe being in the middle of a sister sandwich, but you

are definitely bull enough to handle it. My only hope is that you don't give Sophie, Lillie, or me a concussion before your fourth birthday.

- You like to play hard, but keep your feet on the ground. You dream of going "faster than fast, quicker than quick," and no wrestling match is too rough for you ("I like it when it hits me in the face"), as long as both your massive feet are firmly planted on terra firma. As off-the-charts tall as you are, you aren't a fan of the ole heights, and you faithfully carry your step stool (which you can lift over your head with ease) wherever you go, because after all, you "might fall." You take licks that make me cringe without batting an eye, but you firmly believe that big boys should keep keep their feet on the ground.

- You are one of the most precious, sensitive souls I've ever known. You love your family so very well. You think your daddy hung the actual moon, and this morning you asked me if I would "stand right behind you" while you played. You can't stand it when anyone argues, and boy, there is nothing like being corrected for "talking wooedly" by your little boy! When you are excited, well, there isn't much better in all of life. You have this kind of grunt you make when you are happy that is music to this mama's ears.

- You are a boy who likes order. Like Sir Toppam Hatt's railway, you like efficiency and consistency. You think change is overrated. You like your day and your things to be arranged the way they were the day before.You like your milk in the morning, your bath in the evening, school on school days and dinner on the table. You're happy to read the same books day after day, particularly if those books include Thomas or Cars. I would give anything for an ounce of your consistency.

- You appreciate strong women. You adore your big sister (though you may also do her bodily

harm). Your current plan is to marry Sophie, and she's also your "best friend." You also come close to worshipping your great-grandmother. One day we were strolling through Target, and you pointed to a shirt and told me, "Mee-Maw would be beautiful in that!" The two of you are ridiculous together. And even though Daddy is still your favorite, you love your mama well. Even on days, you've been to the time out spot a time or two, I'm so thankful I still get to hear "hold me" and "let's be cozy."

And for now, most nights, I am the one who hears, "lay down with me," and I am usually the one who hears the last of your thoughts before you close those big chocolate eyes. And yes, I am the one you have to tell, "stop staring at me!" But try to go easy on me buddy. After all you are my only son, my strong and true boy, and I have to look long to make sure I don't miss a thing.

I love you big as the sky my son! Happy 3rd birthday!