The Season Is Changing

Fall is here. In fact, it has gone from warm to chilly with barely a cool! We haven't yet turned on the heat (though Matt may have sneaked and cut it on once), but I know that is just around the corner! As I soaked in the tub the other night thinking about the fact that our electric bill is on its way down and our gas bill is on its way up, I realized that before we turn the air on again, we will have another child in our family!

Last October - Next October, Lillie will be the age Will is in this picture.

This time, last year, we had our first Halloween with two children, and this year we will have our last Halloween with two children. Same with Christmas. We will never have another Easter, or for that matter, a Valentine's Day without Lillie. Will won't even have his second birthday without two sisters. As I watched my sister walked down the aisle last May, another child wasn't anywhere on my radar, and my baby girl will be over three months old when Tori and Derek celebrate their first anniversary! These may all seem like rather obvious facts, but to my overloaded mama-brain, these were profound realizations.

This pregnancy has, by far, been the easiest on me in terms of sickness, and that fact coupled with the reality of parenting two strong-willed kiddos has resulted in moments of "forgetting" that our family life will be drastically changing in just a few months. Even Matt seems to be coming to the realization of this life change a little more slowly this time around. Last weekend, he looked at me and said, "You are like totally pregnant!" (Yep. Can't get a thing past him.) Actually though, I've had similar moments lately since Lillie seems to be "on the move" much more, when I've realized all over again that there is another person growing and waiting to join our family.

I find myself in these moments a bit uneasy. Because for all our quirks and strong personalities, I truly love our family. Sure, I wish some things were different. I wish I had way more discipline and that Matt would wake up and decide he loves dusting. And I sometimes wish Will would sleep past 7:30 a.m. and learn to enjoy car rides or that Sophie would fall asleep before 10 p.m. and learn that being told no won't actually kill her. But overall, there is very little I would actually change. I love all the messy husband-wife, mother-daughter, mother-son, daddy-daughter, daddy-son, little brother-big sister dynamics that make up our days. And thinking about adding a third child, when I don't exactly have two down to a science, can be a little overwhelming. And yet...

Having experienced the truth that you can actually love another child as much as the first, and in fact, you can't actually help but fall just as madly in love with another as you did the first, I am also excited. It's the strange sense of knowing you are about to fall in love. It is the realization that you are just about to experience a miracle. It is the anticipation of knowing you are about to experience an amazing privilege.

Yes, a change is coming; a change that will likely be difficult and unsettling at times. A change that will involve less sleep, less structure, more stress, and more challenges. We will need to redefine roles, re-prioritize goals, and reassure each other of love. But as this season of our family's life ends, and the new begins, I am reminded that what will certainly, at times, be chaotic, will in the end be beautiful. The change that may make us feel more vulnerable will actually make us a stronger family. This will be a change that in just a brief few months, we won't understand how we lived without. So though I know the feelings of being overwhelmed will continue to crop up and the questions of "where do I fit now" will certainly come, I am finding myself more and more excited and profoundly grateful for this season of change.